After many a computer problems I am back... Yes I am back.

I plan on working on more HD anime wallpapers. I need to figure out how to do renders so I can actually design some instead of just deal with screenshots of anime.

If anyone has any tips, and reads this, feel free to message me.

So ive been watching alot of anime... you might get to expect some more anime wallpapers... I am going to do my best to get them in 720p format.

But enjoy my latest... the MAC II Monster from the Macross Universe.

Friendship... The power of a loving soul is so mighty... it can rock the deepest depression. The deepest feelings of anger. The harshest feelings of anxiety.

I recently self-submitted myself to a mental health facility. It was only a crisis Clinic... but after carving the word "Alone" into my arms, and then snapping to, I realized; I need more help than I am offering myself.

Inside of the Clinic, I found a world of vast people. Crackheads, Ex-Cons, Drug-seekers, Legit Psychotics.

Black, Caucasian, Indian, Middle Eastern, Latin(a).

Everyone's got mental issues... I also watched people get better. I unfortunately I got to watch people regress as well. People who even with crisis treatment, couldn't find it within themselves to get healthy in their mind.

Why was I there? - The answer is simple. I didn't think I had a reason to live anymore. My rationalization of it was that; I can wait, live my life in a total state of mental incapacity, cut myself to feel better and die a meager old man with nothing. Or I can kill myself now and make my own destiny.

how fucked up is that.

But I went there... and I got better. I met some amazing people who imparted wisdom, knowledge and shared in how I felt... they understood because they were feeling it too. It wasn't just they understood my words, they felt the same emotions, the same desperation. The same things I was. And could help me through it.

The big one... the big thing was I met a Nursing Student. Someone who kinda broke the "code of mental health nursing". But, she did it to make a connection to me. I was planning on skipping breakfast the morning she met me. I was sitting off in the corner of the room reading my book drinking my water. She came over to me Introduced herself as well... for sake of I don't want someone to Google her name, and find this later on in life and hold it against her we shall call her... Beautiful.

Beautiful came up and introduced herself and told me she was my Nursing Student this morning. I thought to myself, well.. great... I get to tell the same 20 questions to this student as I had to tell the other 5 nurses 2 doctors, and what have you that has questioned me already.

But she didn't ask me those questions. She hit me with something a little off the wall. "Would you like me to get your breakfast tray for you?" I was... almost floored. I kinda didn't know how to react so I was like "sure"

Beautiful(B): Fabulous, grab your stuff, and I'll meet you at a table and we can talk.
Jon(J): Cool.
---minute or so of travel time---
B: Here you go Jon.
J: Thanks, that was sweet of you darlin'.
B: No problem.

B: So, if you don't mind me asking, why did you come here? Like what brought you here? Did you come here voluntarily or were you brought in by someone?

J: I checked myself in, I was suicidal and needed to get over it. I carved the word "alone" into my arm and I had finally found my hypothetical rock bottom.

And it continued with me telling my story to her how I got there, what was going on through my mind and so on and so forth. And after about... Id say... 30 minutes. She asked me if we could speak more privately. At first I thought she was gonna try to like... I don't know, have sex with me or something cause she was looking at me very intently, very focused. It was so odd.

But we went back to my bed, and I sat down on my bed with what remained of my breakfast, and she sat in the chair. The first thing she said was "normally we don't talk about ourselves to the patients, its just bad juju. But I can tell, because you said you think we don't understand. And I'd like to tell you... recently... that I too, tried to kill myself... recently. I had the pills, and I was ready to end it all. So, I can see where you would think we wouldn't understand, but sometimes we do. And I just wanted to share that with you." And she was tearing... you could tell she wanted to cry... hard... her eyes were shaking and tears were welling, and she was about to bust out, but to prevent any trouble she didn't.

But we talked there for what seemed like an eternity. And before we were finished... she said to me... "I just want to give you a hug. Everyone, sometime in their life... is always in need of a hug. And you sound like you need a hug." And she opened her arms... and I nodded and we hugged.

It was that hug... the fact that someone I knew for... less than 3 hours, not even a fraction of my lifetime, could develop that level of care for one individual. Whether she actually cared... will remain a mystery... but the fact she opened up to me about herself because of my situation was absolutely breathtaking.

I also met a Young Girl... A girl who I can name, by the name of Chrissy Bell. And I know Chrissy will read this, and because she is very sensitive to things she will probably start possibly tearing up because of this. But she helped me almost as much as any of the nurses, doctors, everything combined. The evening/night/afternoon whichever it was that we were sitting in the "social" area. And my shorts kept falling down on me because I had to cut the drawstrings out to wear them... and they fall because while I am a big man... I have no ass compared to the rest of me. I stood up and Chrissy was like "Jon I almost saw your ass" and when I came back, I whispered to her... "You know if I wasn't in a psyche ward, I would have mooned you, or even sat on your lap with my naked ass". And she said to me "And outside of here we would be friends!"

I took that to heart... someone else who said... "You'd be my friend..." not me assuming I was their friend or me guessing and just being right. She said it to me plain as day. And, from there on out I kinda hung out with her, I think inside, I wanted there to be more, but I found out she was married and while I still could in another lifetime, shes married to a wonderful guy and I wish them the best of life. So I squished any lusts of a romantics thing period in my mind and I was just trying to be a good friend while she was there.

But the fact that she openly admitted that I would be her friend... almost as if I had no say in the matter. It was an honest and truthful meaning. And my heart was very tendered and warmed by it. The next night, we sat up until 2AM and chatted about Life, the Universe, and Everything In Between. And I thought to myself... shes a very cool person. And I would love to get to know her more. So I kept hanging out with her. And when _____ called me and kinda brought me down a bit... She comforted me with kindness and brought me back up. We sat and watched the OSU game together and had a fart competition basically... she farted on me and I farted on her... it was... a smelly, but awesome friendship. .

And when she left It was hard on me... i was going to be there, 24 more hours without her and I didn't have that close friend available in case I got down, but I heard that I was going to be going home the next day so I had no reason to be getting down at all!

Overall my time spent, all 6 days of it, in the OSU Harding Hospital Psychiatric Unit, 2nd Floor; was one of the best things I could have done for myself.

I would like to send a very special shout out to the friends I made there. Allante, Mary, Bailey, Kathy, Caleb. The Entire nursing staff, tech staff and students who all had a part played in my mind being cleared of wanting to hurt myself. I will hold you all in my heart and mind, and if I ever need to be picked up. I will now have the skills necessary to do it. I hope I never have to go back in there.

"Never Let It Go
No I'll Never Ever Let It Go
Caressing The Downfall
Out Stretched Arms On Your Knees Crawl
Filthy And Feeling Low
Dancing In The Undertow
Caressing The Downfall
Out Stretched Arms On Your Knees Crawl
The Cut That Always Bleeds But Never Shows
Everyone Crawls To Someone Some Run
To The Puppeteer And Volunteer To Become One
But Who Pulls The Strings That You Are Attached To
Who Pours The Gas That You Are The Match To?
Strive For Perfection And Strike With Precision
Soon It Blows Up In Your Face
And The Smoke Blurs Your Vision
But Now You're Fading Fast
Maybe Your Time Has Passed
Bound And Gagged As Your Dragged
To The Typecast
Never Let It Go
Caressing The Downfall
Out Stretched Arms On Your Knees Crawl
The Cut That Always Bleeds But Never Shows
Everyone Crawls To Someone Some Run
To The Puppeteer And Volunteer To Become One
But Who Pulls The Strings That You Are Attached To
Who Pours The Gas That You Are The Match To?
Strive For Perfection And Strike With Precision
Soon It Blows Up In Your Face
And The Smoke Blurs Your Vision
But Now You're Fading Fast
Maybe Your Time Has Passed
Bound And Gagged As Your Dragged
To The Typecast
Never Ever Let It Go
Jumping Back And Forth And Forth And
Back Once More Oblivious
To What It Is I'm Looking For
Never Let It Go
Caressing The Downfall
Out Stretched Arms On Your Knees Crawl
Filthy And Feeling Low
Dancing In The Undertow
Goodbye But I Cannot Forget It
No I'll Never Ever Let It Go
I'll Never Let It Go "

Mushroomhead - "Never Let it go"

-----------

This is about how I feel lately.

So... I just recently kinda had a falling out with someone of the female variety... and with it... my creative sense fell as well. I usually do a little bit of writing here or there. But it just doesn't happen when your heart says "I cant move on cause shes not there anymore"

But all in all im doing decently peachy for what ive been through, I haven't tried suicide *yet* which still may be an option. And go ahead all you yippee fucks and call me emo, but grow up first an realize that not everyone tries to kill themselves for attention some people legitimately have the urge to die.